


Proximity

by patinagreen



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comes Back Wrong, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Immortality, Love Confessions, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Reunion Sex, Reunions, Romance, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 07:41:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19352512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patinagreen/pseuds/patinagreen
Summary: *An AU, canon-divergent fic of what happened between Lars and Sadie after he came back to Earth.*Lars was back.He’d been back for two weeks, in fact. But it didn’t really matter. Every time someone said it, they said it like it was fresh news. Like it had only just happened, just in the last minute. “Lars is back!” With an exclamation point. At least, that’s how it sounded to Sadie.He’d been back and he hadn’t come to her. Hadn’t called. Hadn’t texted.Two whole weeks.





	Proximity

**Author's Note:**

> Just a note that Sadie is stated to be a legal adult (18) in canon and according to the SU Wiki Lars is or turns 18 during the show. My understanding of the years in SU means that these characters are at least 18 years old (if not older) when Lars returns, aka the divergent point of this AU. So, proceed with that knowledge, please!
> 
> Please don’t copy to another site. Thank you for reading!

Lars was back.  

He’d been back for two weeks, in fact. But it didn’t really matter. Every time someone said it, they said it like it was fresh news. Like it had only just happened, just in the last minute. “Lars is back!” With an exclamation point. At least, that’s how it sounded to Sadie. 

He’d been back and he hadn’t come to her. Hadn’t called. Hadn’t texted.

Two whole weeks.

The first day had been an understandable delay to their reunion. He’d needed to see his parents, she was sure, and they deserved a private reunion. Any decent person could guess at that truth, but Sadie had, perhaps, a better understanding than most. His parents had sometimes visited her at the Big Donut when he was gone. They hadn’t said much, but proximity to Sadie seemed to have made them feel closer to Lars, so she’d allowed it. Encouraged it. Because that’s what a good friend would do, and Sadie was a good friend. A friend who used to do and be what Lars needed her to do and be, and in his absence it seemed like the habit (instinct, really) had transferred to his parents— his nervous mother wringing her hands and his father, standoffish and unsettled.  

She’d been kind to his parents, even though. Even though proximity to them had made Lars’ absence into a sharper, jagged hole that grew inch by inch until he’d simply become a painful ocean in her chest. 

She’d started using Sadie Killer and the Suspects as an excuse to get out of meeting with them, even when the band wasn’t rehearsing. And that filled in the ocean. These days it felt more like a quiet pond hidden by the busy-ness of her new life.  

So, when she’d heard he was back a sort of fissure broke itself up underneath the pain and the rush of emotions had come pouring back and now she was torn between hating that he hadn’t found her himself (first, she thought in a quiet voice each night) and being grateful that she’d have time to put herself back together before she saw his face. 

But putting herself back together was one thing Sadie knew how to do now. In fact, she did it well. And she did it with a mic in her hand. 

* * *  

The Venue was packed again, thanks to Mr. Universe and Sunshine. The first night, Friday, had seen a line around the block. Word of mouth did the rest and by Saturday’s show, the line was around the block and down the street and a food truck had shown up to feed fans while they waited for the doors to open.  

Sadie fed the crowd her frustration and her delight, and they sent it all right back to her until the cycle started — her favorite part of performing. There must have been three hundred people standing in the audience and more than a handful knew the Suspects’ songs. Hundreds of people yelling and smiling and swaying with her, screaming the chorus back, clapping after every song. Sadie smiled wide, knowing how feral she looked behind the purple plum-shaped makeup under her eyes and the black joker’s grin she’d smeared across the corners of her mouth. A few fans had painted their faces like hers and they just grinned the fuck right back. 

 _This is heaven,_ she thought. Reclaiming the word freak until it fit her like a second skin, and helping other people feel that way, too.  

After almost two hours, they left the stage only to hear applause transition to pounding feet and shouts for an encore.  

Of course they’d obliged.  

The band had just run backstage again. Sadie’s heart was pounding and her breaths came in short pants. The song they’d gone out with was a new one. Lots of screaming, even for her.

Jenny shrugged off her guitar strap, rolling her neck with a wince. Sadie did the same, running a hand through the row of fine, sweaty hairs at the nape of her neck. It was hot out. Just as she turned to follow Jenny through the green room doors, the applause shifted into a rolling roar.  

 _ENCORE. ENCORE. ENCORE_  

Sour Cream’s head jerked up. “Again?”  

“No way,” Buck groaned, folding into a chair tucked in darkness. 

Jenny’s head appeared in the doorway. “Are they serious? A second encore?” 

“Sadie?” Sour Cream turned to her and the rest of the band did, too. His look said _It’s your call_ and a month ago she might have protested and deferred. Not tonight. 

She looked between the three of them while they waited, then cracked her knuckles with a grin. “One more.” 

Sadie passed the heavy black stage curtains before the rest of the band did, and as soon as the crowd saw her they exploded. 

She took the mic. “Alright, everybody! WE HEAR YOU!” 

They screamed back. _YEAH!!! ONE MORE SONG, ONE MORE SONG! SADIE KILLER I LOVE YOU!_

“Hey,” Sadie laughed, “AND I LOVE YOU!”

She checked into bandmates as they got adjusted with their instruments. Jenny nodded and Sour Cream shot her a salute. Buck gave a tiny nod. It was her call which song to play.

She pulled the mic to her mouth and the crowd quieted. She closed her eyes and hummed low until the words came pouring out in a raspy whisper:  _“I used to be sick…”_

That’s all it took for the cheers to rise up again, briefly. 

The band could play this in their sleep, but Sadie’d decided on a whim to slow it down. Buck picked up right away and his usually upbeat riff joined the silence at a slower tempo. Sadie began again, this time slow. 

_“I used to be sick…sick and tired.”_

When she sang again, her eyes pinched closed with a ragged emotion, a layer of something raw and fresh on top of the old song.  

_“Delirious, dizzy, terrified_

_But I'm suddenly up and out of bed._

_You'd never believe I was almost—”_

She opened her eyes and almost choked on the next verse. She felt his gaze before she found him in the audience. 

_“Why can't you see me?”_

There. In the back left, leaning up against a pole was Lars. 

He was pink...just like Steven had warned her he would be. Just like Lion. But in the dim light of the venue it was a richer color, almost a purple, maybe a burgundy. They met eyes as she sang out the next line and it was almost too perfectly ironic.

_“Why can't you see me?”_

Ironic because she’d pulled that line from a journal she’d had years ago. A journal from when she was pining after him. Pleading, silently and out loud, for his time and attention. And now? Now he’d come to find her and all he could do was watch. She held his eyes for the next few lines and then slid them away and back out over the crowd before turning with the glitter to perform the “eyes open” part of the track on her bandmates.

She finished the song with a low rumbling cry: _“....G-g-g-ghost. I'm calling you from the other side!”_

As the crowd went wild for the last time, Sadiee bowed and waved with the band. 

She didn’t look at Lars again, even though she felt him looking at her. 

* * *

It was close to midnight, but the humidity in Empire City was just as stifling as it had been at noon. Loading up the van they’d borrowed from Mr. Universe felt worse than usual. The heavy gear and instruments and Sour Cream’s monitors all felt heavier than usual when you had to carry them in the hot, sticky air across the Venue’s back parking lot pavement still hot from the sun. 

Jenny and Sadie were carrying one of said monitors down the loading ramp to the pavement when a voice called out behind her. “Need a hand?”

Sadie froze entirely, but Jenny’s clever gaze flicked from the person behind her back to Sadie, and back again before she spoke. “Hey, Lars!” she said cheerily. It had taken months to read Jenny’s expressions, but Sadie was good at it now. The tightness in the corners of her friend’s lips said she wasn’t on Team Lars right now and Sadie was grateful. A minute later, that read was proven correct. “Heard you were back, but you took like, weeks, to show your face. What gives?”

Sadie gritted her teeth and intervened before he could answer. “This is getting heavy, Jen, can we keep it movin’?”

Jenny jerked back to attention and mouthed an apology. Sadie began walking backwards towards the van’s open doors awhere Sour Cream and Buck were playing Tetris arranging all of the equipment for the trip back to Beach City.

“Let me.” Lars said, steppin in beside Sadie. She saw his forearm, a brighter pink outside in the street lamps, slide under the black monitor, but she refused to look up. It didn’t help. She could smell him and he smelled like his old self, but laced with something brighter. That’s the only word she could use to describe it. He hefted once he got a grip and it took most of the weight off of Sadie’s hands. And then he shifted again to put another hand underneath the monitor and he was holding the monitor all by himself.

“Oh ho! Spaceboy’s got guns!” Jenny crowed, stepping back with a grin. She put her hands on her hips. “You should come load in and out for all of our shows, Lars!”

He grunted a laugh. A short breath of air and then pivoted towards the other guys and the van. “If I do will you stop calling me Spaceboy?” 

Sadie kept her eyes glued to the black pavement and stepped back so he could keep walking towards the van. 

“I mean, probably not, if we’re being honest!” Jenny called at his retreating back. Sadie looked up then to watch him walk away. Once he was out of earshot, Jenny crossed her arms and pinned Sadie with a glare. “Are you really not talking to him?”

Sadie rolled her eyes and shrugged. “I don’t know?” 

“Okay, well are you really not going to look him in the eye?”

“For as long as possible?”

“Why?”

Sadie shuffled her foot against a bit of gravel and shrugged again. _Because he could have called me or come to my house the first night, or the second, or the third, or the sixth. But he didn’t. And now it’s almost ten days later and he had to know I knew he’d been back and he didn’t think to come see me. And what if he’s too different now? And what if I’m too different?_

Jenny rolled her eyes back at her and hissed, “Well, then why are we mad at him? I mean, don’t get me wrong, babe, I will be mad at whatever dude a girlfriend needs me to be mad at, but I do like to know the reason! At some point.”

Sadie growled and snuck a peek at the boys. Lars was helping Sour Cream position the rest of the gear and he and Buck were laughing about something at the same time. Buck clapped Lars on the back. A back that seemed...broader than before? 

“Okay, so now you’re ogling him,” Jenny whispered, suddenly right at her ear. “Are we still mad at him?”

Sadie swatted at her. “I am not!”

Jenny nodded. “Yes, you are, and that’s fine, Sadie! I can check a guy out and be mad at him at the same time. Shit, that’s like...what it means to like men half the time. And wherever skinny beige Lars went in space, he came back with some serious pink muscles.” She leaned forward and squinted her eyes. “And an ass. A pink ass.”

“Fuck, Jenny, quiet down!” Sadie dropped her head and eyes.

“Potty mouth,” her friend chided. “Ooh, he’s walking back.”

Sadie’s head jerked up involuntarily and sure enough, Jenny was right. Lars stalked back towards them, his hands shoved deep into his stone-washed jeans. The black t-shirt he wore stretched across a still narrow, but toned chest and the sleeves wrapped around biceps Sadie never remembered him having. A pale pink scar slashed down his face from his forehead, over his eyelid and down to the middle of his right cheek. In the parking lot fluorescents, his pink hair looked almost crystalline. 

“The guys said that’s the last piece of equipment,” Lars said in a low, rumbly voice, jerking a thumb back over his shoulder. 

That voice startled Sadie. This was the same voice that used to squeak and chastise and make fun of her….before. And then that voice spoke to her with warmth and kindness and admiration. And then he left. And now he’s back and…

Almost like he could hear what she was thinking, Lars dropped his eyes down to Sadie’s. His dark eyes were unreadable, his body still, and the Lars from before had never been unreadable and still.

“Oh, great,” Jenny said, clapping her hands. She wrapped an arm around Sadie’s shoulder and tugged. “Time to head back to Beach City then!” She started to pull Sadie around Lars and towards the van when Lars’ hand shot out to grasp Sadie’s shoulder.

“Actually, Sadie,” he began. She glanced down to where his fingers were touching her and he pulled his hand back quickly, like he hadn’t meant to touch her. He turned to face her more fully and caught her eyes again, murmuring, “I was wondering if you’d want to ride back to the city with me?”

Sadie didn’t know how to respond. She opened her mouth, then closed it. Jenny, attentive as she was, caught her hesitation and tugged again. “No, that’s okay, Lars. We do this all the time. We’ve got a rhythm to how we do Empire City shows now.” She chuckled. “Get it? Rhythm?”

Lars gave Jenny a tight smile, but didn’t take his eyes off of Sadie’s. “I’d love it if we could talk.” 

Sadie really didn’t know how to respond to that and she sort of...hated it. Hated than he could render her speechless when just an hour ago she had a crowd of three hundred hanging on her every word. She’d come so far. She didn’t want to turn into the fearful, small Sadie Miller again. She’d found Sadie Killer all on her own. Lars couldn’t take that away. No one and nothing could. Certainly not a car ride.

Sadie straightened her spine. She turned her face up to Jenny and gave her friend a warm smile. “I’m okay, Jenny. It’s cool. Can you let Sour Cream and Buck know I’ll catch up with everyone at rehearsal tomorrow night?”

Jenny’s brown eyes flicked up to Lars and back down to Sadie’s. “Okay, girl. If you say so.” She gave Sadie’s shoulders a squeeze, narrowed her eyes in warning to Lars, and walked off to join the boys at the van.

Lars watched Jenny walk away and released a silent sigh. Then seemed to catch himself, as if he hadn’t _wanted_ to be so obviously relieved. Then he shook his head once, almost like he was catching himself catching himself, and smiled. 

She couldn’t help but be curious. “What’s so funny?” 

 

He looked down at her with a wry grin. “Old habits. I—” he stopped for a moment, searching for the words. “Out there I had to learn to do things differently. _Be_ differently. Or different. Whichever. But being here again seems to bring old habits back. Hard to explain.”

“Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?” Sadie Killer asked the question before regular Sadie could stop herself.

He pursed his lips and regarded her for a moment before responding. “In a way.”

Sadie raised her eyebrows and gave a short nod, stuffing her hands in her back pocket. “Well, lead the way.” 

“Right.” Lars pointed over to the side of the building where a classic looking sports car sat. “There’s me.” 

It wasn’t a long walk to the car, but it was long enough to for Sadie to notice the way Lars matched his gait to hers. Lars of two years ago would have scoffed and told her to hurry up. Lars of today— this pink, scarred, considering Lars— silently shortened his long-legged gait so that she wouldn’t have to scurry to keep up. Something warm and curious curled in her stomach.

This Lars was also, apparently, gentlemanly. He walked her to the passenger side door and unlocked it, holding it open for her. She couldn’t help but wrinkle her nose in distaste— it felt old-fashioned and fake and like the patriarchy— and he stifled a laugh like he knew what she was thinking, but held the door open anyway, and closed it softly once she was settled in the soft leather seat.

That bright smell was thicker inside the car and it swirled around a bit when he opened the door and slid behind the wheel. She distracted herself from his proximity by reaching for the seatbelt, but had trouble clicking it into place.

“Oh, uh, it’s kinda weird.” Lars leaned over and all thoughts and efforts of ignoring his closeness went out the damn window. His fingers covered hers, sending a small zip of electricity from the knuckles he grazed through the rest of her body. Lars took the clip from her hand and shoved it at a special, secret angle until it clicked. “There,” he breathed, and his breath was warm against her cheek. He looked up and their eyes met for a heartbeat until he shoved back to his side of the car and cleared his throat. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “Old cars.”

“Right.” Sadie looked out the window, mostly so he wouldn’t see the very obvious probably flush underneath her freshly-scrubbed-of-make-up cheeks.

The first five minutes of the ride were silent. Empire City was still more than awake at this time of night, but once they got onto the highway there were only a few cars on the road. Lars cleared his throat again. “So, you guys are, like, full on celebrities.”

She shrugged. “I don’t know about that. We’re popular with a certain audience, for sure, but I don’t get like, accosted on the street or anything like that.”

He hummed. “That’s probably the level of celebrity you’d want to avoid.”

Sadie smiled. “Yeah. I’m not sure how I’d talk to a stranger about my music.”

He glanced at her. “But you just sung out loud to 300 strangers. You perform for strangers all the time, according to the Suspects’ website. How can you be worried about talking to _strangers_?”

That made Sadie frown. “You’ve gone to our website?” 

A smile tugged at the corner of his lips while he watched the road. “I was curious. And wanted to see what you were up to. Steven’d told me about the band and everything and showed me some photos, too. And you still didn’t answer my question.”

“You knew what I was doing when you were in space?”

It was his time to be startled. “Didn’t Steven and Connie tell you they visited?”

Sadie frowned. “Yes, but I guess...I didn’t—”

He chuckled. “You didn’t what? Think I’d want to know how you were doing?” 

Sadie stiffened. “Based on our history? Yeah. I was worried sick about you, so it only made sense that you wouldn’t really care. We’ve always been opposites like that.”

Lars’ jaw dropped. It was sort of perversely satisfying that she’d rendered him speechless with a truth bomb. Sadie Killer loved truth bombs. 

He closed his mouth and his fingers tightened on the wheel, pink knuckles bleeding to white. He inhaled a long breath through his nose before he spoke again. “I cared a lot. I just didn’t know how to show it, here or in space.”

“Hmph.” Sadie dropped her head against the glass window and stared out at the long highway.

“What? You don’t believe me?”

She shrugged. 

“Sadie,” Lars said with a sigh. She didn’t look back at him. “Sadie,” he said again and she could see him glance at her before turning back to the road. “Sadie, look at me.”

She sighed. “Why, Lars?”

“Because I need you to talk to me.”

“Because ‘ _you need.’_ Isn’t that convenient?”

He sputtered. “What? What does that mean?”

She shrugged again. Something in her was keeping her heart cold against him and that something felt good. She wasn’t going to let her guard down with him now.

He yanked the wheel with enough force to put the car into a tumble, but instead it skidded over to the side, tipped up on the right side wheels a hint, and leveled. The entire movement took just a few seconds, but Sadie’s heart was racing like a thoroughbred in her throat. 

“What the fuck, Lars?” She held her hand over her heart and glared at him. “We could have died!”

He waved her away with a casual hand. “It’d take a lot more than that to flip this car. Besides, this was the only way to get you to look at me.”

Her heart still racing, Sadie pulled at the difficult seatbelt until it released and shoved out of the car before he could call her back.

She walked down the grass on the highway’s shoulder towards Beach City, fuming out her ears and heart beating so fast it almost drowns out the passing of another car and the crickets and the wind over the fields beside them. 

This time Lars didn’t match her stride. He caught up with her in three long steps and pulled at her arm until she stopped. “Look at me, Sadie. You’re not walking home. Please just talk to me right now. I know you’re angry with me.”

“Angry?” she screeched, running her hands through her hair. “No, I’m not angry. I’m hurt. And I’m tired of _being_ hurt by you, Lars! I deserve better than to be _hurt_ by you.”

His eyes burned as he took her in, shaking his head. “I know that. You don’t think I know that?! I knew that even before I left.”

“And you let them take me,” she spat. He winced, closed his eyes briefly like she’d struck him.

“I know. And I’m so, so sorry. And I know how this is going to sound,” he grabbed her hands. “But I’m different now, I swear. I’m not the same person.”

Sadie shook her head and yanked her hands away. “I thought you’d be different, too, but you’ve been here almost two weeks and you couldn’t call me or text me or come to my house or...anything?” she cried, hating the pleading sound of her voice. Hating how much pain came through. “Are you sure you’re that different? Because that was a pretty ‘Old Lars’ move. And then you just _show up_ at one of my shows and expect me to give you my time, just like you used to. Expect me to— ” she broke off before she could say _take you back_ , because that’s something you say to someone you’ve been dating. And they were never dating. He’d always made that clear.

Lars took a deep steadying breath and clasped both hands over his head. He looked at her with a mixture of frustration and longing and confusion, like he wanted to yell at her or order her to do something or hug her and couldn’t tell which one he wanted to do first. Finally, he growled and tilted his head up towards the stars. 

It took Sadie a moment to realize he wasn’t just looking at the stars. He was tracking them, counting them. Identifying them one at a time. 

He was right. She couldn’t walk home to Beach City, but she also didn’t have to watch him do...space pirate things. Like stare at stars and probably what? Know them all by their official star names? And the galaxies, too? Like...some badass jerk who found light from thousands of years ago more fascinating than the woman right in front of him.

She had to let him drive her home, but she wasn’t going to stand outside in the stifling heat, sweat dripping down her spine and in between her boobs just because Lars had called a mental time out. _Fuck. That._ She turned to stomp back towards the car, but only made it two steps.

“I love you, Sadie.” 

She froze in the grass, her entire body caught in time. Unable to move a muscle, a finger, her mouth to talk. And it wasn’t because of the words. It was _how_ he said the words.

Like it was a confession and a plea all wrapped up in one. 

She heard him approach, heard his boots rustle over the ground, until he was standing right behind her. “I’m _in_ love with you,” he whispered, and still she couldn’t turn around. “And I should have come to you to say that as soon as we landed, but...I was scared. Like I said,” he huffs, “old habits. Fear is easier here than—” He sighs. “I won’t make excuses for my behavior.”

She turned then to see his eyes, soft and sad, staring down at her. “How long?”

The left side of his mouth quirked and he released a slow breath. “Always, Sadie, you know that.”

“No.” She shook her head. “No, Lars, I don’t know. I didn’t know.”

He nodded, licking his bottom lip. “You’re right. Love that’s buried and not shared isn’t love at all, honestly. It only matters when we act on it. When we say it out loud. When we show it. And I didn’t really learn that until recently and.…” He blinked, shaking his head. “I didn’t— it wouldn’t have been fair of me to talk to you again and lie by omission about how I felt. I won’t lie. Not anymore. So, I knew I’d tell you the first time I saw you. I’d planned on it for _months_. But when I got here, I hit me that you might hate me for saying it, just like before. You might not even believe me.”

She sighed and asked in a shaky breath, “So, why are you saying it now?” 

He shoved his hands in his pockets. “Because caught between a rock and a hard place, I finally figured out that I have no right to ask you to believe me. Or expect you to. But I can tell you the truth. I _owe you_ the truth.”

On that point, they could agree.  “Okay,” she murmured.

He took a deep breath. “And I understand if you don’t want to see me again. That’s okay.”

She swallowed and nodded. “Okay.” 

Pain flashed in his eyes, but he swallowed it down, masked it with a smile. “Come on. I’ll take you home now.”

Sadie turned and walked back to his car, opening the door for herself. Lars got in beside her and waited while she figured out the seatbelt, keeping his hands to himself this time. Once she was secured, he nodded and eased the car back out onto the road. They drove the rest of the way in silence.

* * *

Lars turned onto her street and pulled up into the driveway. He ducked his head to look up at the house she shared with her mother. “Barb’s kept the place the exact same, I see.”

“Yeah,” Sadie sighs. “She’s not much for change, that Barb.”

Lars huffed a laugh and a small smile slid across his face, like he was enjoying a memory. He probably was. They had a lot of memories in this exact scenario. Of him dropping her off, or him coming inside for dinner, or picking her up.

Sadie unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned down to gather up her bag. “Thanks for the ride home.”

Lars nodded. “Of course.”

This Lars said things like “of course” in a quiet, steady voice. This Lars watched her with unreadable eyes. This Lars waited for her to get out of the car, or to speak, or to do neither. 

Sadie swallowed and broke his gaze, looked down at her lap. “It’s late,” she murmured.

He made a sound of agreement. “I should let you get some sleep.”

Her heart was skipping now, not quite racing, but not at rest, either. It knew what she was going to say before she said it. She looked up to find him watching her. “Do you want to come inside?”

His eyebrows quirked up slightly in the middle, but the rest of his face was still. He said in a measured voice, “I don’t want to wake your mom up.” He tilted his head to the side, considering. “Or break her rules.”

Sadie rolled her eyes. “We’ve moved past that crap. I can have guys over.”

This time one of his eyebrows went all the way up to his hairline. 

Sadie’s eyes grew wide as she realized what he was thinking. “No, it’s not...I mean...” He waited for her to find her words, his eyes watching her face with barely masked interest. She rubbed a hand over her face. “Oh, God, I just mean to say I’m an adult and it doesn’t matter anyway, because she’s not home. She’s visiting my aunt in Barn City.”

Lars nodded. “Ah.” He looked at the darkened windows of the house for a moment, thoughts whirring behind his eyes, and then turned to unclick his seatbelt. “Sure.”

They turned on minimal lights in the house out of sheer habit. During late night movie marathons they’d learned how to navigate the house (and the kitchen, especially) in silence and near darkness, since Sadie’s mom had to get up early for mail delivery. 

Sadie set down her bag and grabbed a couple of bottles of water from the fridge. In the quick flash of light she saw Lars gazing thoughtfully around the kitchen and the dining room table, like he was revisiting the home or the memories of the home, or both, and those memories were a full bodied experience. She wondered what he saw when he looked at Earth things now. Did everything seem boring? Or just...too still? The fridge clicked on and the AC spun up in the background. Or maybe just too quiet? Space was quiet, right?

She shut the fridge door and he turned to her, the retina in his eyes flashing pink in the reflection of the streetlamp in the once-again darkened room. They stood like that in the darkness for a heartbeat, then two, before Sadie walked past him and to the stairwell that led to her room. Lars followed behind silently.

She’d forgotten how things were the last time he’d seen her room and was reminded when she flicked on the light and he let out a low whistle. “Wow, this feels...completely different.”

She turned to the space. Same furniture, but everything had been cleared off the surfaces. Her bookshelves were tidy. The pile of clothes gone. Stuffed animals on display, sure, but orderly now instead of strung about. Framed band posters were stuck to the walls and she’d replaced the rug in the middle with something softer and cleaner. “Yeah, I guess it does. I got fed up with the old look.” She shrugged and turned to hand him a bottle of water. “Is it cool if I take a quick shower? I never quite get all of the make-up off and I know I smell like beer and cigarettes.”

Lars ducked his head to hide his grin. “Beer, cigarettes, and weed.”

Her jaw dropped a bit. She punched him lightly on the shoulder and didn’t miss the solid sensation of her small fist against his bicep. “Hazards of the musician’s life, okay?!”

He nodded and ran a hand through the pink waves that had fallen into his face. “Go take your shower. I’ll find something to watch on TV.”

Ten minutes later she emerged in elastic sleep pants and a t-shirt, skin damp from the shower and hair still dripping. She grabbed an extra towel to wind around her head and sat down beside Lars on the floor. He was watching re-runs of _Cookie Cat: THE SHOW._

“Oh, I remember this one!” Sadie smiled. 

“Of course you do.” He smirked a her. “Do you want to keep watching?”

She shook her head. “Nah, let’s find a movie.”

He clicked through the channels until they found a movie neither of them could resist: _Evil Bear._ He put the remote down and settled back against her bed. A moment later, Sadie moved to sit beside him.

As the opening scene at the bear factory unfolded, Sadie began to feel torn in two. The old Sadie and old Lars could sit and watch movies for hours and hours, picking apart every ridiculous special effect, every glaring pot hole. And she felt a bit like old Sadie. But the new Sadie and new Lars had let a clearly fake, badly timed blood squib go by without a comment. 

She snuck a peek at Lars. He was watching the movie, or at least his body looked like he was watching a movie, but there was a tight line between his brows, a tension in his shoulders. _Evil Bear_ was silly. He wasn’t really watching _Evil Bear._

She reached for the remote and hit pause, causing him to turn to her with a question on his face. She sighed. “Are you okay? Because you don’t really look okay.”

He looked like he was ready to say he was _just fine_ when he stopped himself. She heard what he said at the car all over again. _I won’t lie._ He sighed and looked at her. “I’m uncomfortable.”

“Why?” Sadie straightened.

He ran his hands through his hair again. A nervous gesture. “Being in this room is...harder than I thought it would be.”

So, not lying, but also not laying it all out there for her.

She gnawed on her lower lip. “How so?”

He laughed, but it was hollow. He glanced around the room before his eyes landed on her. “I just keep imagining you bringing some guy back here after a show.”

The world titled a bit beneath her, so much so that she had to rise up on her knees and hold the bed frame in one hand. “WHAT?!”

Lars blinked. “I’m not criticizing you, Sade. I’m not, I promise. Like you said, you’re an adult. You’re the lead singer of a band. You’re beautiful. You’re.…” he sputtered, gesturing broadly. “You’re _you._ You can do whatever you want.”

He’d said she was beautiful. She couldn’t handle that right this second. “I don’t bring guys back here, Lars,” Sadie choked.

He blinked again. “But you said…?”

She huffed in exasperation. “I said I _can_ bring guys back here. I didn’t say I did.”

He flushed and it was a deep, deep rose on his cheeks. “Oh. Uh. Sorry.”

“You think I’m sort of...rockstar who fucks her groupies, don’t you?” She swatted him on the shoulder. 

He grasped her hand and laughed. “I think if you wanted to be a rockstar who fucks her groupies, you could.”

She growled and jerked her hand away. “Well, I’m not.”

He hummed. “Can I ask you a question that you’re completely free to ignore? And I’d like to be clear that this isn’t asked in self-interest.”

Sadie frowned. “I don’t like this already, but okay.”

Whatever he wanted to say kept the color in his face, but he seemed to forge ahead anyway. “It’s not just me who’s changed. You’ve changed, too. We’ve both...been through a lot. Is there, or was there…” he inhaled through his nose before continuing, “someone you _were_ seeing when I was gone?”

Sadie leaned back from him. “You just declared your love for me two hours ago and that question wasn’t asked in self-interest?”

He gave a wry grin. “You don’t have to answer, because it’s not my business. And you’re right, I can’t be objective.”

Sadie gnawed on her thumbnail. It still had a bit of face paint underneath the nail, like always. 

He didn’t pressure her to answer his question and she liked that. “What is it?”

She shrugged a single shoulder. Her voice was quiet, but she managed to keep it steady when she asked “Was there anyone for you?” 

Lars held her gaze for a long moment, eyes black and drowning. “No. There’s no one else.”

“Oh,” she chirped in a squeaky, embarrassing voice. She looked away, flushing, thumb still between her teeth.

He shifted to his feet and stood, brushing his pants off. “I should head home. It’s late.”

Sadie looked up at him and felt something tighten and coil in her stomach. Something that felt like pain, or an ache. Like right before she went on stage, but warmer and maybe even scarier.

But, “Yeah, it’s late,” was all she could say.

He stared at her in his quiet way again and then his face folded into a soft smile. “See you, Sadie.” He started towards the stairs and took the first step before she caught him.

“Lars.”

He paused and turned back. “Yeah?”

Sadie pulled herself to standing and drew on every Sadie Killer strength she could muster to walk over to the stairwell. Lars watched her approach with careful eyes. She was so much shorter than him already, and his being one step up made their height difference even more exaggerated. There was no way to reach for him or touch him without it being, feeling, _looking_ awkward. And she always felt awkward already. Still, she stepped up to him and did the boldest thing she could think of.

She pulled his left hand off the bannister with her right. He watched her with warm, careful eyes and let her move it up to the right side of her cheek between shaking fingers. She flattened his hand so that the palm was open and she set it against her cheek, his skin warm and that same, bright smell flooding her senses. Her eyes slid closed when he curled his fingers towards her temple, when his pinky slipped down to cradle her jaw. The touch was affection and soft, and it could have stayed that way. She knew he’d let the touch stay that way, and let this be it, and go home, and they’d still be friends, or find a way to. 

But she didn’t want that. 

So, she did the second boldest thing and opened her eyes to meet his gaze, drawing his palm down and over her mouth. His breath hitched when she pressed her mouth, open, against the skin there. He went still as a statue even though she saw the heat rising in his eyes. She let her tongue swipe slowly across the salty skin there and the banked heat in Lars’ eyes turned gaze dark. With desire. Desire she’d stoked. Desire she’d invited.

“Sadie,” he breathed, drawing in a shaky breath. She licked him again with the flat of her tongue and his entire body shivered. 

“Yes, Lars?” she whispered, lips brushing against the wetness of his palm. 

He seemed to realize that he’d taken an unconscious step towards her and stepped backwards on the landing. He pulled his hand back, but it didn’t look like he wanted to. “I didn’t tell you how I feel about you to...because I wanted to….” His frame shuddered again. “You know.”

Sadie frowned slightly, insecurity creeping back in even with all of the bold, strong choices she’d just made. Her arms crept up around her middle, an old gesture she’d thought she’d broken herself of. “You don’t….” She nodded and stepped backwards down the step, shame and insecurity and mortification now all wound together in her chest. “Right. Right, of course. You don’t want— “

He looked like he’d just been electrocuted, and not in any sort of good way. “No. No, Sadie, no, that’s not what I mean.”

“Lars,” she pinned him with a glare. “It’s okay.” It wasn’t okay. “I understand.” She did, oh, but she did, and she hated that she did. “I’m not exactly, like, you know….” she waved her hand vaguely, but never got to what she wasn’t like, because he stepped forward in one long stride and grabbed that hand and pressed it to his chest.

His heart was absolutely fucking _racing._

He dropped his forehead down to hers, eyes squeezed tight. “My heart doesn’t beat like a normal human’s anymore. It’s always so slow. So, this,” he pressed her fingers tighter against the black t-shirt, “this is me feeling overwhelmed and freaking out and...and excited. Sadie, I want you,” he said breathlessly. 

She pulled back and stared up at him with wide eyes. “You...you do?”

He looked at her and smiled weakly. “So _stubborn._ I just told you I do, silly.” His smile turned mischievous. “I could put your hand somewhere else if you want more proof.”

This time she’s the one who turned still as a statue. Desire and shock warred inside of her until she wasn’t really sure which one she was feeling more. He laughed and stepped back, giving her space but not letting the joke go. He turned her hand around and kissed her knuckles, his mouth open and warm and wet across the skin.

“You’re beautiful,” he murmured, shaking his head. “I said it earlier, don’t know if you caught that?”

“I caught it….”

“Good,” he smirked. “And you’re also sexy. God, Sadie, when I saw you on that stage tonight…” He brought his other hand up to bite his own knuckle to make her laugh. It worked. He dropped his eyes to her curves. “Sadie, your body is….” He blew out a puff of air. “Let’s just say that I had plenty to choose from in the bank while I was in space.”

She almost choked. “Lars!”

He pulled her close. “It’s true. The nothingness out there, the travel time, taking breaks between space pirating. Don’t get me wrong, gems are great travel companions, but I needed me-time and when I took it,” he shrugged, “I thought about you.”

“And sometimes...," she swallowed, found bravery again, "...touched your cock?”

He grinned. “And _frequently_ touched my cock.”

“Wow.”

He nuzzled her face, inhaling her still damp hair under the towel. He unraveled it slowly and ran a hand through the blonde strands. “What I meant earlier was that my loving you doesn’t depend on anything we do or don’t do. We don’t have to do anything tonight and we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. ”

“I know that.”

“Good.” His eyes dropped to her mouth. “Sadie Miller, I’d really like to kiss you. If that’s alright.”

She smiled and pulled his mouth down to hers.


End file.
